Watcher of Weasels:

Translating the Bin Laden Transcript

While the CIA is busy trying to find coded messages in the latest Bin Laden tape, I thought that I would offer my own translation of Al-Jazeera's transcript of the broadcast which aired parts of the tape.

Newsreader: “9/11 was entirely America's fault.”

Newsreader 2: “The next 9/11 will also be entirely America's fault.”

Male presenter: “On a tape which we just happened to obtain a few days before the US Presidential election, Bin Laden explains why 9/11 was entirely America's fault.”

OBL: “It's the security, stupid...  and I'm sure Hans Blix would agree that one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter.  We lived our whole lives in shame, why should we die with dignity?”

Female presenter: “Though 9/11 is entirely America's fault, Bin Laden recounts how watching the filthy Jews dare to defend themselves in 1982 inspired him to attack America.”

OBL: “Bush lied, people died!  Palestine will be free, from river Jordan to the sea!  Babykillers!”

Male presenter: “After explaining what a smashing success 9/11 was, Bin Laden explains why the Bushes are such crooks...  he also explains the new world order.”

OBL: “There is no question that the Bush family is too close to the Saudis, and Bush Junior is probably the reincarnation of Hitler -- uh, not that there's anything wrong with that.  Also, they outsourced trillions of jobs in order to give evil tax cuts for only the wealthiest 1% of Americans.  Freedom is slavery!  Bush was selected, not elected...  and unless he fails to suppress enough minority votes this time around, he will surely bypass Congress altogether in order to singlehandedly reinstate the draft.”

Female presenter: “Bin Laden then gives a brief review of Fahrenheit 9/11.”

OBL: “Whenever I have any doubts about the destruction of America, I watch one of Michael Moore's brilliant films for inspiration.  That a single man from such humble beginnings has been able to do so much damage to his own country always gives me hope...  even as all of Al-Qaeda slowly crumbles around me, I know that Michael Moore will always be there to take up my cause when my stomach is finally being roasted in Hell.  In the meantime, every instance of his lies being regurgitated by the useful fools who worship him makes recruitment that much easier for me.  Ignorance is strength!”

Male presenter: “No matter who wins the election, the next 9/11 will still be entirely America's fault.”

OBL: “Of course, I will never stop trying to kill you all, even if Bush loses the election...  but if Kerry wins, I promise that your deaths will be swift, if not painless.  Throw Bush out of office and I might even show you the mercy of allowing you to choose between watching your children die first, or whether they have to watch you.  Remember -- security, security, security!  By the way, did you know that Dick Cheney's daughter is a total lesbo?”

Female presenter: “No blood for oil!  And 9/11 was entirely America's fault, though Bin Laden is very sorry that this attack has caused even more innocent jobs to be outsourced under Bush...  sadly, this has been used to unjustly attack our friends in the previous administration who so graciously refused to accept Bin Laden three times over.  May Allah bless the name Clinton a thousand times!”

Update: There's some Photoshopping fun going on at Llama Butchers and Free Will...  and Sean Gleeson gets in on the act as well.

Update: SNL did a parody of the Bin Laden tape...  they went a different way with it than I did, but I still thought it was pretty funny.